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10 BDSM Myths Busted

BDSM has been hidden in the shadows for a long time. Even within our community, there are still those that have misconceptions about what goes on or believe myths about particular kinks.



Why are there so many myths


BDSM is an acronym for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Sadism, Submission and Masochism. As you can imagine, this covers a range of kinky, sexy alternative sexual choices.


BDSM encompasses so many experiences it is unlikely that anyone is educated in every form of kink.


So even if you are a long-standing practitioner you may still have some misconceptions. Add vanilla’s into the mix or those that dip their toe into the kinky waters there is no surprise that things get misunderstood.


So I am here to myth bust 10 of the most misunderstandings aspects of BDSM.


Myth: "Fifty Shades of Grey" accurately depicts BDSM


I love the Fifty shade series, both movies and enjoyed the books. I think it is a great love story and I don’t give a flying fuck if any purist thinks less of me for it. There are clear dominant and submissive exchanges and practises that people that anyone in the BDSM world can relate to.


However, one aspect of BDSM that is universal, communication, consent and safety. "Fifty Shades of Grey” flies close to the wind in part particularly in the book not leaving a perfect real-world representation of negotiation and consent. However, that would make for a very boring movie and book if you ask me.


Just make sure you always practice RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) rather than replicate the book and movies. This involves:

  • Talk to your partner and discuss scenes (the kinky stuff you want to do) in advance so that everyone knows what they are doing and what they might expect.

  • Gain the full enthusiastic consent from all parties before commencing with the scene

  • Make sure that safewords are agreed in advance and respect these and the universal “Red” which will stop all activities immediately


Myth: BDSM Leads to a Lack of Interest in Vanilla Sex


I love sex! I love kinky sex, but going kinky does not mean that you can not go back. Sure being introduced to kink can open your eyes to an endless range of play, fantasies and practices that get your sexual juices flowing. However, vanilla sex is hot too. Add better communication into any relationship which is central to BDSM, I bet vanilla sex will get hotter and sluttier.


Myth: BDSM Always Involves Sex


You can not escape that for many including myself, sex is the crescendo of a BDSM scene. However, BDSM play even involving genitals does not have to be directly sexual. Some just enjoy pain (masochists) others the roleplays (ageplay) or plain and simple humiliation or exhibitionism.

Ultimately this all relates to negotiation, consent and trust. Agree in advance what your hard limits are. Choose the partner(s) you want to involve carefully and make sure you trust them to respect your hard limits. If you don’t want any sexual aspect to the play make sure you make that clear and agree to it in advance.

NEVER EVER allow anyone to attempt to renegotiate any aspect of your encounter during a scene or hide this under pushing limits.


Myth: BDSM Practitioners Are Emotionally Scarred or Have Suffered Abuse


There are endless studies that all conclude the same thing. Regular practitioners of BDSM and kink are more emotionally secure and suffer from fewer mental health problems than regular “normal” people. The same follows that there has not been a link established between past abuse and future sexual preferences within kink.


Some exhibit these challenges or suffered at the hands of others in the past. However, there are in every other aspect of society.

I just hope if they do find their way into a kink they will be welcomed and supported like everyone else.


Myth: BDSM Is Always About Pain


Now I like pain. Even for a masochist, I prefer pain at the far end of the spectrum. I can happily be consensually beaten and subjected to any number of sensations where it hurts like fuck. So yes BDSM does encapsulate pain.

I, like many others, also enjoy other kinks that have nothing to do with pain. Most kinks have nothing to do with this at all, so don’t worry if the pain is not your thing. There is plenty of other stuff you can get up to too.


Myth: Submissives Have Low Self Esteem and Dominants Like to Hurt and Control People


No way. I know so many empowered and professional people who choose to be submissive. I also find the most powerful and respected dominants are gentle, nurturing pussy cats.

What is important to stress again is consent and no one ever has the right to assume their dominance over another and within the events and the community to treat others as a submissive or slaves without consent will certainly result in very sharp rebukes and expulsion from the venue.


Myth: Black Leather the Required Uniform for BDSM


If you walk into any BDSM event you are going to see a lot of black and a little leather. However, you are going to see loads more. You will undoubtedly see a lot more skin than a normal night out. While you will see amazing latex and spectacular shoes. The first time you walk into an event like that you will be blown away by the range and variety of BDSM’s best outfits.


At home, it is a very different matter. I'm just as likely to be in jeans and a t-shirt or a set of PJ’s. One thing I can promise you the dynamic, the play is no different whatever you are wearing.


Myth: Ageplay Is Related to or Can Lead to Pedophilia


This myth saddens me. Ageplay has nothing to do with Pedophilia or the sexual attraction to children.


Many age-players do not include any element of sexual play in their ageplay dynamic. It takes the form of an adult taking the role (role-playing) a younger person and an adult caregiver that looks after them.

Explained simply for the deaf at the back of the room: Age Play is an adult consensually pretending to be younger while others taking a consensual role to look after an adult as a caregiver pretending to be younger.


Myth: People Who Are Into BDSM Are a Very Small Minority


We might think that we are among the minority of the population that participates in BDSM, but the reality is that BDSM is mainstream.


Simple restraints and BDSM toys are now available in high street stores here in the UK at Ann Summers. Incredibly a recent study showed that BDSM is booming in the lockdown bedroom and the over 60’s are getting their freak on faster than any other age group.

However, almost every bedroom has seen some form of BDSM in one way or another. These bedrooms have seen spanking, dressing up, roleplay, tie & tease, sex toys and a whole myriad of kinky shit.


Myth: BDSM Is Emotionally and Physically Dangerous


BDSM can have some elements that need careful consideration before you take part. There are elements, practised by some in BDSM that can be interpreted by legislation as illegal. So it is vital that you both practice RACK and educate yourself.

Remember that RACK from the very start.

  • Talk to your partner and discuss scenes (the kinky stuff you want to do) in advance so that everyone knows what they are doing and what they might expect.

  • Gain the full enthusiastic consent from all parties before commencing with the scene

  • Make sure that safewords are agreed in advance and respect these and the universal “Red” which will stop all activities immediately


To educate yourself about BDSM and kink get reading and get talking. Find books and websites about your particular interest. You can also check out some classes and local events. The best advice I can give anyone is to get out within their local BDSM community. Join Fetlife, check out local munches and events. Reach out to the organisers and chat with them. Organisers will all do a meet and greet new people and in my experience always make people feel welcome. Once you have opened these “doors” you can talk to people and understand their real-world experiences and get loads of great advice.


The Bottom Line About BDSM


BDSM is misunderstood by many. Even those of us who are active and knowledgeable only really know small aspects of all kinks. It’s so much harder for people looking in to dispel these Myths.


So next time you come across vanilla or someone new to the scene. Be kind, help them learn and encourage them to be safe and learn.





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