Being a redhead is one of life's great blessings. It’s staggering the number of times that I am stopped by strangers complimenting me on my hair. However, there are a few guys, yes in normally guys, that think they have just thought up the next best pick up line who end up saying something inadvertently stupid in an attempt to get into my knickers.
So, for your amusement here is my list of 21 stupid things you should never say to a redhead and my real-life bratty and slutty responses.
💖 Is this your natural hair colour - Yes it fucking is ... I wash it in the blood of my enemies!
💖 Are you guys going extinct - No not even the power of the medieval church burning us at the stake could wipe us out, so no.
💖 I wonder if we would have red-headed babies - No you have totally killed any chance of fucking me now so it’s impossible.
💖 Would you ever consider dyeing your hair - No this is like a fucking superpower and the reason you want to fuck me to start with.
💖 Have you got any Irish in you? - If your next line is, would you like some in you. I promise I will scoop your eyes out with a rusty spoon and stomp on them.
💖 It looks more brunette than red from here - Just fuck off perhaps when I see your cock I’ll ask you have you got it out yet so we can be even
💖 Do you mind if I call you “ginger” - Do you mind if I curse your firstborn for the next 10 generations - No you fucking can’t.
💖 Are your eyebrows and eyelashes red too - Mine are but some redheads have other shades. They are still real redheads and part of my sisterhood who covert with the Devil.
💖 Does the carpet match the drapes - Can you see out of that black eye I have just given you or do you need another?
💖 I take it you must be a stepchild - Well I guess you never want children cause I’m going to kick you in the balls.
💖 I bet you, love Ron Weasley? - No, but I bet I can ram a tri wizard cup up your ass if you mention you’d like to see me and Ginny Weasley get slutty together.
💖 Why are you putting on so much sunscreen? - If I don’t use it, I will start to burn before your eyes. I have 2 skin tones. Porcelain or 3rd-degree burns and guys don’t like to kiss crispy skin.
💖 Did you know that in some countries people actually like red hair? - Men and women around the world love redhead because we’ve put spells on them. It just that you are too stupid for the spell to have work on you.
💖 Do redheads have crazy tempers? - I didn’t before you said that. Now, I want to rip your arm off and bash you with it.
💖 Is it true that gingers don't have souls? - Sadly, I personally don’t have a soul, but I’ve stolen 1000’s of others from people asking stupid questions. Each is now a freckle on my perfect porcelain skin. Would you like to count them before I rip out your soul too?
💖 Don’t worry, your hair isn’t the ugly shade of ginger! - Well fuck you very much. At least your brain isn’t that stupid side of thick as fuck.
💖 You look sooooo like Amy Adams [or other random redheaded celebrity]! - Thank you so much. Sadly she is not here, but would you like a blow job while you imagine I'm her?
💖 Do you ever worry that your children might inherit your red hair? - I hope they will and I'll teach them it’s their solemn duty to steal the souls of your children and your children's children. Just in case my own immortality wears off
💖 Aren't redheads related to Satan? - Yep, Daddy is doing just fine, thanks for asking. He’s asked me to remind you that the really, really bad thing you did is written down in his book and he’s waiting to collect you, then take you down to his playroom. He mentioned you're unlikely to enjoy it, but I am invited to watch as I will giggle.
💖 Does being a redhead mean you are crazy in bed? - Yes, I am a real slut, and you can’t imagine all the stuff I have done and just how many people I’ve made their toes curl. However, you are now on the very select list of people I will choose not to fuck. I have just you and Satan (Daddy) on it. Everyone else is now welcome back to mine for beers and blowjobs.
💖 Can I buy you a redheaded slut? - No need to go fancy a simple beer will do! Then take me to the car park and I’ll show you how a real redheaded slut makes your legs turn to jelly.
Before you go - Remember it’s good to be kind to us gingers. Our hair only stays this way because we wash it in the blood of our enemies.