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BDSM 101: Kink for Dummies

The definitions you need to know...





Having taken part in a podcast with the lovely Lady Petra (listen to it here: Hair Pulling (buzzsprout.com)), and having partaken in one too many beers I decided to put together a list of all of the useful definitions that you need to know as a kinky person. You might THINK you know all of these, but actually some things are hard to pin down and explain (or at least when you're half-cut ;) ), so I thought i'd give it a shot for you all! ENJOY! 👿


1. KINK AND FETISH


Alright, so this one is a bit of an argument starter. Some people say they are the same thing, others very much define them as separate entities. I, personally, view them as two different things - albeit I do use the terms interchangeably when I'm speaking.


A kink, is defined as being an unusual or out of the ordinary sexual fetish. Basically anything that is likely to make those vanilla folk blush or squeal in horror. This is usually an active thing (i.e. spanking or humiliation).


A fetish on the other hand is something that helps get you off, usually an object or inanimate thing (think feet, or gas masks).


2. S & M


Alright so hopefully most of you know what this is... sadism and masochism.


Sadism - getting off on inflicting pain on others. Masochism - getting off on being the recipient of said pain.


I am currently firmly in the masochistic side of the slash, however enjoy inflicting pain on others occasionally but this does not get me off!


3. BDSM


Bondage, domination/discipline, submission/sadism, and masochism. This is the "catch all" for kink. HOWEVER someone CAN be "kinky" (see above) and not come under the BDSM umbrella.


See I told you it's not as straightforward as you thought ;)


4. Dom/ Dominant


IMPORTANT PSA TWUE DOMS DO NOT COME UNDER THIS CATEGORY. THEY GO FIRMLY IN THE CATEGORY OF THE BIN.


Right, safety awareness over. Dom/dominant, of whichever gender, broadly speaking (again everyone is different, you do you!) refers to someone who enjoys being in a dominant role within a Dominant-submissive dynamic. The Dom may refer to themselves as Sir, Daddy, Domme, Master, Mistress, Mummy etc. the list goes on.


5. Sub/ Submissive


The person on the other side of the slash. This person generally, not always, relinquishes control to the Dom (see above). Can be many different variants of submissve i.e. little, brat (although in fairness this probably requires it's own definition), slave or slut.


6. Switch


Someone who enjoys both sides of the slash. Being dominant and submissive. This does not mean necessarily that someone is equally dominant AND submissive. They may be submissive with one person, and dominant towards others or have the dichotomy between personal relationships and professional work (i.e. pro-Dommes).


7. Scene


I would say that this particular word has many meanings within our wonderful kink-land.


"Scene" can be used to describe the whole BDSM/ kink community in general. For example, "are you part of the scene?"


"Scene" can refer to a particular kink, the people into it, and the community around it. For example the Littles scene.


"Scene" can also refer to the actual playtime between two individuals. Usually these scenes involve different types of kinks, and are discussed at great length prior to these being carried out. Generally the more complicated and involved the scene is, the longer the discussion. They will have a start, and an end-point, unless the couple are in a 24/7 relationship (but that is another discussion altogether!).


8. Limits


So I'm going to break this down into categories. People often have a range of different limits, that may or may not fluctuate or evolve over time as they explore different fetishes and kinks.


Soft limits - these are often the more flexible, I'm not really sure I'll enjoy, but pretty sure I won't, "not yet" limits. Or may depend on the given situation. So for example, one of my soft limits is Sir going down on me (due to past trauma). Sometimes it's okay, other times it is definitely not and it definitely requires a conversation beforehand.


Hard limits - These are non-negotiable limits set out, which do not vary (generally speaking). For example for me, scat play is a hard limit. For Sir, getting fake tan on his white bedsheets is a hard limit (it's a good job i'm a lily white redhead and look like an orangutan if I go anywhere near tanning products!)


9. Safeword/ safe gesture


A safeword is a word that brings an immediate END to whatever scene or play or anything that is happening. Either the Dom OR THE submissive can use the safeword, and it is generally widely recognised as "red". This can be used to stop a scene completely, provide a checkpoint for each person to check in with the other, or to slow down what is happening. It is of utmost importance that if a person is restrained and they call the safeword that all restraints be released immediately (in a safe way).


The reason why I put in gesture above is because it is not always possible for the submissive or dominant to actually SAY the safeword. For example if they are gagged. In certain circumstances for example during rope-play a small bell can be used that can signify that the play needs to stop.


10. Bondage


Bondage is a common and well-known part of BDSM. This involves restraining the submissive to render them helpless or immobilised in some way, through the use of handcuffs, shackles, rope, clingfilm, tape, vacuum beds etc the list goes on!!

One funny (well it was afterwards) incident whereby we had attended a club and forgotten our toy bag, Sir managed to restrain me with his shoelaces and beat me using his shoes and belt. Where there is a will there's a way ;)


11. CBT


This is cock and ball torture. This can include ball-stretching using weights, ball stomping or bashing (hitting the bollocks with shoes, feet, paddles) and also using an E-Stim (electrical device to cause pain, and/or cock torture).


12. E-Stimulation/ Violet Wands/ Electro-play or torture


E-Stims as outlined above are an electric device where sticky pads (help me out guys I don't know what they're called) are placed on an area of the body and an electrical current is passed through these. They are also used outside of our world by people wishing to improve muscle injuries.


Violet wants are a specialist piece of equipment. They're quite complicated and have lots of different ways to be used so i'll leave it to the pro @Violet_Wanda here: https://fetlife.com/groups/6311/posts/6310697


All I can say is I giggle like a mother-fucker when being attacked by a violet want, and I love it!


13. Animal Play (Puppy/ Kitten/ Pony etc.)


This area of kink seems to be growing rapidly in popularity. Animal Play, is where submissives act like animals. Generally, the Dominant is called the Owner or Handler, and the submissive is called the pup/ kitten/ pony whichever. During the scene, pups stereotypically act like the animal they identify with — they bark, walk on all fours, and come when called (when they feel obedient). Dominants give “treats” (sexual or otherwise) and discipline them when they misbehave.


P.S. I definitely have an opening in my life for a well-behaved pup, and welcome any applications. Nothing makes me grin more than petting someone behind the ear!


14. Slave/Master


This is a part of BDSM I need to learn more about! Generally Master/Slave dynamics involve 24/7 dynamics, service submission and usually slaves will "live-in" with their master. It is often considered a very serious and considered decision to enter into a Master/slave dynamic.


15. Wax Play


Wax play can be used on it's own or within another scene, usually including rope work. Candles are used to drip hot wax onto sensitive areas to create a painful burning sensation. NOTE OF CAUTION: DO NOT USE REGULAR CANDLES THESE WILL BURN. Candles made specifically for wax play burn at a much lower temperature, and therefore do not create any lasting damage to skin. You can see an example of wax play on myself below:



16. Flogging


Flogging is where a Dominant (typically) hits a submissive with a flogger, a multi-tailed whip that is typically made out of leather. Depending on the severity, flogging can feel like anything from a back massage to an extremely painful experience.


17. Edging


Edging or edge play means witholding orgasm. Generally a Dominant will withhold a submissives orgasm, getting them right to the point of cumming and then stopping. This is incredibly intense and torturous, and can also be used alongside encouraging the individual later to have multiple orgasms.


I FUCKING HATE EDGING. #JUSTSAYING


18. Nipple torture


It is what it says on the tin. Torturing nipples! By using clover clamps, put on for a long time and then suddenly released which allows a rush of blood back to the nipple and also intense pain, or generally torturous activities to someone's nipples like biting/ caning.

This is also my most annoying kink, as I hate it but I also get really wet from it. Anyone else get pissed off at their body? LOL.


19. Corporal punishment


Some submissives cough not me, ahem, cough really enjoy the idea of getting “punished”. Some cough ahem, not me cough even intentionally “disobey” and talk back to their Dominants in order to get punished. This type of behaviour is generally referred to as Bratting (more on that in part three!) and the resulting punishment is referred to as "funishment" as it is "fun" for the sub.

Corporal punishment is where a Dom will use punishment in the way of spanking, caning, paddles, flogging etc to change or modify a submissive's behaviour.


Please be aware that all of the above has to be consensual. There is a big difference between abuse and using punishment to encourage positive behaviour/ discourage negative behaviour within a D/s relationship.


20. Chastity


You’ve no doubt seen cock cages and male chastity devices somewhere on the Internet. These devices stop a penis from getting hard, or stop a female reaching their privates and therefore they prevent pleasure seeking or orgasm. It is a form of control that Dominants exert over their subs. Some cock/ chastity cages can only be opened with a key which the submissive has limited access to.


These can be both pleasurable for the Dominant and submissive alike.

I hope you enjoyed part one of my kink for dummies, and learnt something along the way. I know I'm always learning in my kink journey!!


Do leave a love and a comment, it's great to hear your thoughts.


Xoxo Serena




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